Why would you want to sabotage your own career - to be relegated to the ranks of the "constantly overlooked" or to become the cause of poor office morale? Well, it's not like people set out to do it on purpose but that doesn't mean they don't still find creative and unconscious ways to ensure that they never get a promotion or, Heaven forbid, a management position.
There are hundreds of ways to never get a promotion but in the list below are ten of the top suggestions if you're really searching for creative ways to ensure that you live a life of quiet (or not so quiet) desperation. Laid out here are ten surefire ways to make sure you are overlooked for promotion, recognition, alienation on the job and to become the brunt of jokes by your co-workers.
I know you're waiting impatiently to find out how you too can professionally shoot yourself in the foot, so here we go.
1. Never offer a compliment - You want to make sure that you are never heard uttering a compliment to any of your co-workers or bosses because offering a compliment would simply show the bosses within earshot of just how much better your co-worker is at the job than you.
2. Never smile - When you smile, you give the impression that you are having fun and enjoying your work or, worse yet, that you are a happy person. You certainly don't want to offer any indication that you are anything but moody, self-absorbed, angry and despising your work.
3. Shoot down co-worker ideas at staff meetings - Look, if you let one staff member's idea gain ground, people might like the idea and thank your co-worker for making the suggestion. At which point you will be confronted in having to offer a compliment - see strategy #1 for clarification.
4. Always bring the conversation back to you - If a co-worker leans on you for advice, do not offer any but instead offer up a far more gut-wrenching story of how much more hard-done-by you actually are. Their problems will seem minor in comparison to yours.
5. Treat your co-workers as though they're idiots - you already know that you have a superior intellect so make sure that your co-workers know that you're so much brighter. Otherwise, they will never admit it to themselves and never get any smarter. Make sure you voice your opinion on the promotion of someone who is clearly dumber than you.
6. Laugh at co-workers who do self-improvement - point out their flaws and illustrate how the things they are improving about themselves really aren't worth the effort anyway. Make sure you point out more things that they really need to work on. Besides, learning really is only for losers.
7. Always be right - win every argument. You must ensure that no matter what the discussion, no matter how well-versed you are in the subject, no matter how many people may be against you, always win by arguing your co-workers into submission until they give up and walk away. Never back down. And if you're wrong, raise your voice and make stuff up to baffle your opponent.
8. Be petty - make sure that you argue about every little thing. Also, make sure whatever is being argued is meaningless and the effort spent to argue the point is a complete waste of everyone's time. You will have achieved success when your co-worker either screams, throws their hands in disgust or swears at you. Until you witness one of these three, do not let go of the petty argument.
9. Blackmail your co-workers - if your co-workers are not willing to see your point of view, offer to blackmail them by threatening to spread rumours about them. People love to be talked about and people love to talk about other co-workers. See, there really is a use for office-gossip.
10. Pretend you're an expert in things you know nothing about - Tell your co-workers how to do their jobs even if you've never done the work. I mean, how hard can it be anyway? This gets its best results when you are new to the organization, are meddling in other departments in which you have zero experience or you read a Blog post once from some nobody which has apparently made you a vicarious expert.
And there you have it - the top ten ways to commit corporate hari-kari. And it's easier than it looks. After all, who wouldn't want to be working under a recently promoted, know-it-all, morally superior, self-absorbed, intellectually-deluded jerk who is not in command of his or her Emotional Intelligence? And what boss wouldn't want to promote someone who treats others with contempt to a position of power?
Attitude Adjustment: Contempt for others is not a workplace attitude. It's a emotional problem that needs addressing by professionals before it creates toxicity and volatility in the workplace. Contempt reaches far beyond just the ranks of the workers - it touches customers, clients and eventually communities. Contempt can not be contained. Therefore, it needs to be dealt with severely.
If you want to create a decent workplace, hire decent people, promote decent people to supervisory positions and, most important of all, create an anger-management program in your workplace or get rid of the toxic elements altogether. And NO NOT offer a good reference for people like this. That's just moving the problem on to someone else.
Leadership is an Attitude. Management is a position of responsibility. If you have employees that need help or guidance, get it for them. Not just because it's the right thing to do, but because it sends a message to your people that certain behaviours are not tolerated. It also says that you have compassion and that you will look after your people if they are prepared to look after themselves.
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